I knew writing that last post, was jinxing things. A small hand-shake and my injury was re-aggravated completely. To top that, I recieved my p-cat info which essentially means my chronic condition has ended my career.

I’m very angry, for a few reasons.

But mostly, I’m too tired to fight any more crap injury wise.

It’s a horrible feeling knowing you’re in the job you’re supposed to be at and you just can’t do it because you’re hurt. And you’re not allowed to heal. And you can’t do it. And you can’t fulfill what you’re meant to do.

So, that’ll be the end of this adventure. Not sure what I’ll be doing with the rest of my life but pretty much, this means the end of this website for now.

I’ve been able to do a bit more running lately and you have no idea how nice it feels… I have really missed it the past year and it’s incredible to think how much I’ve gone through this past year. Sometimes it feels just like yesterday I was injured, and other times, it feels like a thousand years ago.

I still have some work to do obviously with running but I was able to go yesterday and today, no pain at all. I did a ton of stretching afterwards and interspersed my running a bit more with slow/fast runs at varying times which I think helped out with the pain not being strong while running and no pain afterwards. It’s just a bit tight but definitely is awesome compared to the last few runs.

Anyways, still truckin’ along… have a great week everyone!

After the last workout, I was a bit on the sore side for about two days. I didn’t do much with regards to the PT sessions as I just wanted the hip to come along on its own. Ice did the trick and within two days, I’m back to my new “normal”, which is a good thing. To bounce back from the same type of discomfort from a PT session say, just ten months ago, would have taken six weeks. Now, two days.

If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is!

I can’t wait until it’s just a normal workout recouperation time and not two days even! It’s coming soon, I imagine!

The next month, I am under a lot of pressure on myself to move forward. I found out two days ago I need to have a small, very minor surgery but it takes a bit to recover from it. I had the same one about six years ago and it took about a month for me to feel back to my usual self from it. I’m really hoping the recovery time this go around, is less.

However, I really want to improve on my running and my sit-ups to build up some ab strength (it’s a lower-stomach surgery) so the stronger I am for it, the better. Those are the two things I want to focus on the next month and the surgery is Nov. 30.

I may even lose out on my french course but I am carrying on as per normal and may still be able to pass the course, depending how long I am on sick leave for. I’d really like to have two solid passes on my personnel record, without “dropping” out from one.

Before I head off, I just wanted to say a big hello to people who seem to be finding my page lately. Most seem to be heading to basic training soon and I’d like to just point out, my experiences the past 14 months aren’t typical! I do hope however one day, to return to basic to finish it and THOSE experience be much more typical of what goes on.

November is upon us and I had promised myself that if I wasn’t in a good way by Christmas that I felt comfortable continuing this journey, that I would leave things as they are and just accept things.

But, if any of y’all know me, you know that isn’t acceptable!

I don’t give up.

Ever.

So, now that my body is pretty close to being as good as it’s going to get, I have to work with what I have right now. If I do get improvements later on, then that will be awesome.

Right now, hip is about 95% better. I took it out for a test-drive today!

My pace wasn’t too far off my fastest pace pre-injury and considering it was my first real run in over a year, I’m very happy with it. I ran one mile straight without stopping and could have gone further I think. One mile, is 1.6kms. So, I’m very, very happy with that.

I had to stretch quite a bit once I was done and I did get a bit of a pain in an area where I had just recently got rid of the pain after a year but - it isn’t a strong pain, it’s just “there”. It’ll be fine in a few days. A little ice and motrin, I’ll be good to go.

Cardio-wise, I did better than I thought I would as well. I’ve barely done any ‘quality’ cardio the past six months since arriving back here mostly because physio took priority and I was following what he said. He’s da boss, I listen to da bossman! He’s fixed me pretty good considering and it was just a price I had to pay for the overall good of things.

I’m really looking forward to getting large-scale improvement again and will be looking forward to seeing the improvement in my numbers…. I will be keeping track somewhere of all of this and will link to it for you.

Shoulder is doing okay these days. I had one of those “bad pain days” the other day, which usually lasts a day or two and then I usually have about two weeks of constant improvement, before it goes back to another pain day. It seems each period of pain is followed by huge improvements so I’ve learned to try and appreciate the bad days knowing a few good ones will be following through. Each phase brings increased strength so I’m excited about it. The other day however, the pain was more severe than usual and it actually popped out a few of my ribs! I wouldn’t have believed it myself but fortunately I had a physio appointment within a few hours and it’s what he told me! At least three ribs had popped out and he was able to get two back into place. I got the third into place later that day and it’s getting a bit better again, just tender. Incredible! I hope that doesn’t happen again, any time soon…

………………………………..

In other news… I passed my french course! I am now on the next one and I’m really enjoying things as we’re doing a lot of oral practise. It allows a bit of a break from the grammar aspect! I will be in classes until Christmas and afterwards, I don’t think I will continue right away as I need a bit of a holiday from it. I will be taking another university class after Christmas to finish my degree and maybe in April, I will consider restarting the lessons.

Other than that, not much else is new in my world!

Things are improving. Lots of pain still in the arm but I have had enough progress that I can do a half-push-up now without the stabbing pain that I’ve had for 14 months. I’m okay with pain, as long as it doesn’t feel like a penetrating knife!!

My hip is feeling pretty good too, best it has in 12 months. I finally was able to get rid of the ‘pain in the arse’ I had since day one, LOL. That’s the only way I could describe one of the two pains associated with the hip injury. I have done a few short runs (less than 5 minutes) and so far, so good. I will be increasing them over the coming weeks and I am hoping by end of Christmas holidays, I will be up to 20 minutes of running, if not more.

The neck/shoulder/arm is coming along. I doubt now the majority of the pain I am feeling will ever leave but as I said above, if I can do the push-up, then I will happy enough with that. I will progress more slowly with the arm than I will with the hip due to the nature of the injury and the likelyhood it could get reinjured before it’s strong enough.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am for my physiotherapist. I know there is no way in hell I would have ever got to this point without him… and, I’ll always be grateful for that!

Lots of changes will be coming to my little world the next little while. I was given approval for ten more physio sessions… the physio doesn’t think that after these sessions, that there will be much more improvement. This will bring us to Christmas time which was the arbitrary date I had set for myself. If I wasn’t in a way that I felt I could do basic by then, that I would “give up” for now and move forward. That doesn’t mean I expect to be able to do my push-ups then but if I can get into a position where it doesn’t hurt me *too* much and I can build up comfortably, then I will be satisifed. If I can’t? Then, it will be what it will be…

My brother is still in Afghanistan and it sucks with him being gone. The deployment is coming to an end soon and it will be awesome having him home. Right now we’re dealing with some medical issues within our lives… my mom’s husband isn’t well, and my grandfather is ailing as well. It’s difficult for him being so far away and difficult for me trying to reassure him life is okay here but that it’s a bit of chaos at the same time. That’s the military life… dealing with stress at home while far away, whether deployment or posting.

Job-wise, things are still good. My french classes are going well and have been extended to Christmas. After this next session, I *should* be able to take the first profile test which hopefully will get me an AAA. This will help me in the future both within the Canadian Forces or if I am released, in the government if I hope to try and secure a position in the federal level.

Anything else really new? Nothing I can think of… ohhhh, a big shout-out to Holly who left a message the other day! She’s going to the next PRTC intake and I know she’s gonna LOVE it! I hope her dream-trade is available and that she finds the position perfect for her!

Dear Arm,

I have a love/hate relationship with you — however, I haven’t decided which part of you I hate more lately. Do I hate the “freezing-arm-cramping-oh-my-god-cut-my-arm-off-or-let-me-die-because-you-hurt-like-a-mo-fo” or do I hate the “holy-crap-my-hand-is-on-fire-who-stuck-it-on-the-burner-make-it-stop-for-the-love-of-all-things-holy-cut-it-off” pain… That last one is a new one by the way, only hours old, but it’s really pissing me off! I do know however, the physio will say, “this is good because it means your nerves are regenerating” but seriously? I could totally do without the pain.

Listen Arm, I’m going to make you a deal. You knock this crap off and maybe… just MAYBE we’ll go on a vacation soon. But, not till you shove this pain somewhere!
Um, that is all!

Thank you…
Sincerely,
Me

The other day my brother wrote me from overseas and asked where the heck I was and what is going on in my life because I haven’t really been updating on here very often. I guess there hasn’t really been so much going on that felt like it needed to be updated.

But, I’m a good sister. I love my brother. I can fulfill his simple request so here we go! More frequent updates!

Currently I’m enrolled in french class. I’m trying to obtain a Level A for the Canadian Government language profile. It will help both with my career here in the forces and in ‘civilian life’ if I’m not able to stay in. So, it’s a win-win as they’ll get someone who can speak french and I can be someone who can get a job more easily or quicker promotions perhaps in the future! LOL! Mostly it feels like a win for me! Heh.

Healing wise — I’m still healing. My hip has definitely healed progressively  more faster than previously as my current physio has been doing some awesome work on it. The other day he decided to go with his “more painful but faster results” on my hip with a wicked stretch that I proclaimed, “Definitely did not tickle”.  I was pain-free for almost two days afterwards so it was awesome. It tightens up again but I’m having a lot more days where the pain isn’t there so strongly.

Back-Shoulder-Arm-wise, things are getting there too. My shoulder is at the point where it only aches constantly as opposed to the feeling of “knives stabbing repeatedly whilst also being deeply poked simulatenously” which I had found rather irritating. So, an aching feeling is actually quite welcomed! However, I still get the “stabbing knives” feeling in my bicep. I’ve been told that it’s progressing and it’s normal for the pain to heal “outwards” meaning, my forearm/wrist/hand pain will be the last to heal. I don’t mind how long THAT takes to heal, after the bicep has healed. That pain is bearable and tolerable. The bicep one, not-so-much-so…. yet. I’ve definitely seen a jump in progress the past month or so. I’m finally able to start increasing the resistance on the bands that I use for the exercises and I’m so grateful that I can now extend my reaches a bit further now. Before I couldn’t raise my hand at all… in April/early May, I could raise it almost all the way above my head but with zero resistance. Now? I can raise it above my head, with light resistance.

It’s small progress but… it’s progress none-the-less!

I was talking to the physio about my progress the other day and according to his charts, I’m feeling 50% less pain than I was in early June. That’s good to know, eh? And, that I’m much more functional with regards to being able to do things. Also good to know… so glad I frequently fill out his questionnaires because it gives me something empirically for measuring my outcome… in other words? PROOF that improvement is constantly occurring…

I’m hoping in the next two to four weeks, that I can finally resume my running programme again. I may try a short-run this weekend (ie, maybe 2 minutes worth?) and see how it feels. It’s the perfect running season for me right now and I so, so, so miss being able to be out-and-about. I was never a great “runner” but - I want to be…. and I hope I’ll get there sooner than later!

I better head off now — I have some things planned for tomorrow and hopefully I can have a photography entry update soon. I’ve been practising my shooting but I haven’t had a great internet connection to upload with. Internet guy is coming Sunday to install my connection and afterwards, the entry will be in the works! Have a great weekend folks

Every now and again I get to a point where I wonder, what the hell am I doing? Do I actually think I have any possibility of even succeeding at this? Should I just consider my injuries a ’sign’ that I’m not supposed to do this? Will I allow the negative thoughts of others to continue to plague me and caste doubt upon my ability to achieve my dream?

And then one day, I cracked open a fortune cookie.

You are headed in the right direction. Trust your instincts.

Well now! The almighty fortune cookie can’t be wrong, right?! I know deep down I need to trust my self and trust my instincts to get me to where I need to be. I cannot rely on ANYONE ELSE to get me to where I need to go. Are you for or against me? While “teamwork” is emphasized in the military world, the reality of it is I am my own best cheerleader, health-care practitioner, career counsellor and spiritual advisor when it comes to the decisions and choices I need to make. By this statement, I’m not saying I am no longer listening to the advise from my medical professionals — what I am saying is, I need to really trust my instinct and know I am headed in the right direction and while sometimes less-than-promising medical prognoses and diagnosis may hover over me, it doesn’t make me who I am or take into account my determination and perseverance to obtaining my goals.

There are things I’m not allowed to do as of yet, at the moment. But there are plenty of OTHER things I can be doing to prepare my body for when I *am* allowed to do these currently-forbidden things! I can’t run right now or bike. But, I can begin stretching my legs and preparing my muscles and ligaments for when I can! Each day I workout using my physio exercises but it doesn’t stop me from going a little bit further and maybe doing an extra set of them if my body is “okay” enough to do it. I can also continue to sleep as well as I have been to allow my body to continue healing. I’m still in a lot of pain at night but if I can get into the right position, I can get a few hours of undisturbed sleep which is so very important! Yes, there are still nights where I am lucky to get two hours of sleep but it’s those good nights that get me through the week and help with the healing process.

I’m still trucking, people. It is not time to give up and I have no plans on it. I feel progress is steady and while it may not be fast, it is there continually. Slow and steady wins the race?

I’m finally able to start increasing my workouts and it feels great! Today I did 5km in one hour on the treadmill which felt nice…  my physio is decreased to once a week which feels awesome as well because it means I’m progressing.

And, while my doctor may not feel that I am progressing at a rate he is happy with — I am trying to remain positive and do so, by pondering on my improvements since March.

I can now move my arm backwards with my palm upwards past my hips. I couldn’t do that before.

I can now move my arm almost all the way forwards with my palm up or down. I might be maybe an inch or two off. I couldn’t do that before.

Most of my upper bicep area and my shoulder area was numb. It no longer is.

My shoulder was in immense pain 24/7. Now? Maybe an hour a day it aches a bit and there are some days (rare, albeit they occur) that I can get away without taking any tylenol. I couldn’t do that before.

The area where my bicep kills? I couldn’t even feel it back in March as it was completely numb. Obviously now that it’s burning quite a bit, means I can at least “feel” it again. The burning feeling I have here now, is what I felt in my shoulder about two or three months ago and that is gone. So, if this lasts a month or two and disappears, it’s totally worth it.

My physio has stated my nerves are stretching further now before they “tighten”. It’s a good sign. Before, I couldn’t straighten my arm at all. Now? I can go almost all the way, maybe I’m about 10 degrees off from a full-straighten? Beginning of June, I couldn’t do that even CLOSELY. And, compared to last August when injured? There is absolutely no comparison as my arm and shoulder, were absolutely and totally unless!

So, despite still being in some pain, I sleep better. I look more healthier and this is because, others are telling me. Some that I haven’t seen in almost six weeks, see me now and say it’s noticeably different. My face looks healthier, I look rested and I even have a smile on face (though, sometimes short-lived depending on the pain, LOL!)

But, right now? This is the best I have felt since being injured. I feel better and now I just need to keep working on improving things. It’s still a tough road but I’ve had improvements. Things may never be 100% but for me right now, I just want to do a push-up.

That’s all I ask!